Death Denied

Death  Denied

How do you see yourself dying? In my sleep, I answered. I don’t want to see it coming. I don’t want to be aware of it happening. I don’t want to experience any pain. I don’t want the process to be long.  I just want to close my eyes and sleep into the spiritual realm. 

 

Are you afraid to die? No, I am not. Why, they asked? I know my spirit is right with my creator. How do you know that? I know because I have been at death’s door and was denied entry.  

(Church Picnic – Seven Years Old)  

Struggling desperately thrashing around wildly, trying to yell for help as the water rushed into my nose and mouth proved frivolous as my head went under the water for the third and final time. There was no energy left to fight with. I was frozen drifting downward looking upward watching the sky fade as the water engulfed me, my eyes closed. It’s over. I’m drowning. 

Up out of the water someone snatched me. “Somebody, get this boy he’s scaring me,” she said as she started back to shore. While coughing hysterically, spitting up water and breathing erratically I realized someone had just saved me. I didn’t see anyone near me while struggling but somebody was near enough to get to me when they saw me fighting for my life. 

Her name was Gloria, the Pastor’s daughter. She was made the angel that saved my life that day. Being saved by her especially was beyond question an act of divine intervention. There is no doubt in my mind about it.  I am certain of it.  

(Recovering Addict – 1993)  

They say, “Relapse is a part of recovery” in addiction rehab meetings. It will happen during recovery especially after prolonged periods of substance abuse. I was not immune. With three years of recovery to my credit I relapsed. I gave in to the reservations the arousing attraction, and I surrendered to intense peer influence. I smoked crack again. 

The atmosphere was thick with debauchery not particularly in my favor. Animosity, hatred and anger swelled within me as I watched the activity. I wanted to hurt that person badly, the one who brought that poison back to me. I wanted to make them feel guilty for the rest of their life.  

I lost the battle to stay clean, I wasn’t strong enough to fight it, I failed, I was a failure. I betrayed every achievement, ever advancement and every trust built during those three years. Breaking my promise to myself was the most devastating. I had to do something drastic to show the depth of my pain and to make everything stop.  

First pouring half and then the rest, I shoved all those little pills into my mouth.  “I am not going to live in this hell again.” The effects of the little pills came quickly. After about five minutes the drowsiness began, then ten minutes later the ambulance arrived answering the call that was made. 

“Stay awake, Buddy!” “I need you to open your eyes.” “Stay with me!” I was so sleepy, so very sleepy. Only slightly my eyes opened but the urge to sleep was too strong. I was almost there, almost asleep but they wouldn’t stop bothering me. As they started wheeling me out the door, the author of the evil yelled, “What about your mother!” My mother was my champion, my best friend.  I could not leave her. 

Of all the pleas made during their efforts to keep me alive that one charged straight to my heart and shocked my mind back to consciousness. Out of the mouth of my nemesis came the words that saved my life.  

(New Year’s Day 2017)  

I really didn’t want to go out on New Year’s Eve. There’s a potential for something bad to happen as masses of people gather to usher in the new year. But it was a special occasion and I did have something to celebrate, so I began the ritual and started fitting into the jubilation. 

My new hip performed flawlessly as I danced and drank into the wee hours of New Year’s Day. I got so drunk that periods of time started missing from my consciousness. When I woke up, I was laying on the couch in my living room alone and slightly confused. I didn’t remember getting there, and the one who brought me was nowhere to be found. I shouldn’t have been left alone. I found my car keys.  

Feeling discarded and betrayed pushed me to take my keys, go outside, get in my car and pull out of the driveway. That’s all I remember. I woke up in a hospital bed with technically a broken neck, a fractured knee cap, a shattered shoulder blade and several fractured ribs. “I woke up” being the significant attribute to the aftermath of an accident that totaled my brand-new car. 

“You’re lucky to be alive.” “You’re lucky that you weren’t paralyzed,” were phrases expressed by the medical staff. “You are blessed to be alive.” “There’s something you have yet to do in your life,” was said by others made aware of my situation. These statements confirm that I could have been paralyzed or dead and not even have known it, but I wasn’t paralyzed and I didn’t die. 

I am deeply and humbly grateful to still be alive and healthy. Life is a precious gift to be cherished, yet I can’t help wondering. Is there something I have yet to give, is there something I have yet to do of any significance that would not be accomplished without me? I can’t imagine. I do not have a clue but my survival suggests there is a purpose be it big or small that is my responsibility alone.

 

 

 

Ankle Tag

Before & After

Drinking and Driving

My mind was foggy like waking from a deep sleep. When I reached across my chest to scratch the irritating itch on my wrist I felt this unbearable pain in my right shoulder that stopped my attempt instantly. I quickly put my arm back to my side. I couldn’t help but wonder what caused such pain. As I lay there becoming more aware the disturbing sound of mechanical beeping slowly came to my attention. When I opened my eyes to find the source I saw the sterile-white ceiling and walls around me and the bed had safety railings pulled up on both sides. This looks like a hospital room. Why am I in the hospital?

When I lifted my head to get a better look a sharp pain in the back of my neck surged through my head, across both shoulders and down the center of my back. My whole body was overwhelmed, shocked by the intensity. My head dropped instantly. Something was very wrong, something was very horribly wrong. Then I heard conversations at the foot of my bed and eventually one voice spoke my name.

Yes, I answered as I opened my eyes again, my voice sounding raspy and weak. The person then introduced himself as my Doctor, and he began asking the questions asked of a person who had been unconscious for a while. Do you know where you are, he asked. No, I answered with effort. You’re in the hospital. Do you know how you got here? No, I answered again. You were in a bad car accident. Do you remember anything about the accident? No, I said with hesitation. Then another person began telling me about the incident.

Your car hit a utility pole and the pole collapsed onto the car causing extensive damage to the vehicle. It would later be considered a total loss. Were you wearing your seatbelt? Before I answered they mumbled, obviously not. We found you in the passenger side of the car. Was anyone else in the car with you, the person asked. No, I said. That much I did remember. Were you drinking last night, was their last question. Yes, was my response. I remembered that too but nothing else. They never told me how they removed me from the vehicle but considering the description of what happened to the car it must have taken a significant effort.

My doctor continued by telling me about my injuries. Your neck is broken but you’re not paralyzed, yet. We will be preforming surgery to stabilize the two fractured and dislocated vertebrae in your neck. You have several fractured ribs, the bones in your shoulder blade are shattered and you have a large contusion on your lower back. I guess because of the torso injuries they didn’t know about the sharp pain I felt in my left knee every time they moved me. I managed to mention that and they addressed it immediately. The x-ray revealed a fracture in my kneecap which would require an immobility brace to be worn for several months. After everyone finished questioning and informing me they left the room. I laid there void of any emotion in state of total disbelief.

I couldn’t believe I was hurt that bad and I was still trying to process the fact that I had an accident at all. It didn’t take much to realize this wasn’t all a bad dream especially with all the pain and the notice of additional hospital bands on both of my wrists. I thought all the bands were odd but I noticed there was also one on my right ankle as well. That wasn’t normal in my experience and I wondered why it was there. Recalling the doctor’s conversation about my injuries, and them saying, you’re lucky to be alive, I then understood why the band was there. It was in perpetration of my likely demise.

This is the result of my decision to drink and drive and not wear my seatbelt. I was adamant about not wearing my seatbelt when driving in the city, they were distracting and uncomfortable to me. I felt certain that nothing drastic would happen to me because of my superior driving skills. On many occasions, I have driven while intoxicated even in a blacked-out state without incident. I even stopped drinking for many years so DWI wasn’t even a possibility, but this time my decision to get drunk, get behind the wheel of a car and not wear my seatbelt proved devastatingly almost fatally flawed.

It is my hope and plea to anyone reading this text. No matter how secure you feel in your driving abilities when sober, you are putting your life in jeopardy if you drink and get behind the wheel of a car even to drive a few blocks. It only takes a split second of bad judgement slow response or miscalculation to catastrophically change your life if you do in fact survive the ordeal in the end. Wisdom must overrule pride and good judgement must be your strength. Please wear your seatbelt and do not drink and drive, and if you must drink do so responsibly, be wise stay healthy stay alive.

What is one to do. . .

What is one to do. . .

When perceptual indications like (little clues overlooked when cleaning up, bread crumbs are revealed at the most inopportune moments (like talking in their sleep as if they were still participating in their rendezvous,) or when given responses and actions that seem to be more genuine than what’s been established as normal like being late because of a surprise that never materialized) reveal that something other than what has been expressed has actually happened.

Is it that some of us have a big virtual tattoo pasted across our foreheads that says to them that we’re stupid and we’ll never put the pieces of the puzzle together, or is it just the daring of the perpetrator to stand firm in their evasive lie to prove themselves infallible or to convince themselves that they have gotten away with their infraction and no one will be the wiser? Actually the later never happens especially with someone who is connected to them on an emotional and spiritual level. Those people see with ease the truth as it is revealed in the smallest of inconsistencies the other person attempts to pass off as normal.

To me their game is the ultimate betrayal of trust and honor and the most grievous act of disrespect that could ever come from someone claiming to be a friend or closer. They are stabbing you in the back while looking directly into your eyes with a smile on their face. What is one to do when face to face with someone who is playing you for a fool especially after they’ve been given the chance to refrain from doing so? What is one to do when it happens again, and again and again?

My ultimate solution for my inner peace and contentment is to just leave them to their own devices. They will unfortunately find someone else to use and I will be free of the burden and will be released to enjoy my life for the short amount of time I have left on this earth. What is one to do? It’s called survive. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my self-preservation no matter the cost or material loss. I just want to be happy and whole spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally when my time comes to leave this place. If that means being by myself alone I welcome it eagerly.

The People Who Look Like Me

Considering the recent grievous acts being deliberately waged against the people who look like me, and the abundance of historical knowledge obtained in recent years concerning the myriad of atrocities inflicted upon the people who look like me, in retrospect my childhood, though marginally fortunate, was no doubt sheltered with some selective facts however skewed with misinformations and generally void of the truth about the relevant existence of the people who look like me.

Every day I see Images of a culture rich with prosperity perpetuated by the essence of their intellect, artistry and architecture, medical treatments and healing faculties, astonishing health and fitness qualities, vast personal and collective fortune, and strong family and communal unity, that are being drastically contrasted by disdainful and offensive images of the enslavement of, murders of, experiments on, social and economical inequality perpetuated against, and the contemptuous disrespect and pure evil hatred expressed every day in every way toward the people who look like me.

The substance of our being cannot be celebrated with illustriousness as it should, while men, women and children who look like me are being intentionally exterminated by any means available. Every time my eyes see an image both from the past and present of the hangings of the people who look like me, my spirit shakes with horror and sorrow. When I see video and pictures of our professed protectors turn face and murder in cold blood the people who look like me, it is all I can do to squelch the intense anger that ignites within me. #BlackLivesMatter

No eyes can deny that, “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.” – James 3:16 KJV, which is being overtly and methodically waged against all of the people who look like me everywhere on this planet. The mouth, however, being influenced by superiority complex behavior, intellectual conditioning and spiritual ambiguity will take no time in denouncing the obvious as not to give the people who look like me validity. Blinded by their unwarranted hatred they cannot see that their words, actions and inactions give credence to our existence. If it were not for envy.

Yes, we, all of the Americans who look like me are being annihilated, by police, by ourselves, by every mind that has no comprehension of sense and by every adjoining soul that has no morality nor compassion. Know in your heart, in your mind and in your spirit that your intrinsic value and your very existence is sanctioned by God and no other human can take that inherent value away from you.

Your ancestors all are nobility of the highest caliber, as their descendents that same noble blood runs through your veins. We bare such illustrious genealogy that we have always faced and will always face intense scrutiny by the class collective irrational fear. A fear of who we are and what we are able to accomplish. We, all of the people who look like me, are many. Their fear though founded should not be of incensed retribution from all of the people who look like me, but they should fear the holy retribution from God for every black life unjustly battered and extinguished.

I Know What I Am

My physical being consists of an epidermis – a protective layer of skin over muscles, bones, fluids and organs. My brain and heart perpetuate all biochemical life functions within this fragile corporeal shell, a fleshy construct of organic matter that is fallible and perishable.

Inside I am the energy force, the consciousness also known as the spirit that occupies this construct. I was created to exist on a physical plane, so I have been housed in a physical shell. In the logical sense, this reasoning is elementary in its concept.

For clarification’s sake, God is not flesh! God is Spirit! The image in which I am made is of the Spirit. By the creation of the Son of God, the Devine Spirit is aware of all my physical maladies, yet through the death of Christ’s flesh and the rising of His spirit, only my soul is of consequence.

My feelings are the voice of my spiritual sense. Together with learned ethics, I know the difference between right and wrong. I feel that it is my responsibility to endeavor to surpass the failings of my flesh, and identify with my spirituality to be an example of God’s Power, Love and Will concerning my existence.

I am a being of spirit joined with flesh endowed with free will and intelligence. My physical infirmities have been pardoned. My spirit is as it should be, dedicated to the graciousness of the Source of my creation.

PEBBLES ON A BEACH

Pebbles on a Beach

How many church buildings does it take to edify spirituality? Another question on the subject of churches. Why aren’t they all connected, working together to strengthen each other in this time of national and global chaos? Glimpse with me this, if you will. We know about Earth’s magnetic protective layer, how it shields the planet from the elements of the cosmos. Imagine a second protective shield formed over the earth’s surface, consisting of pure spirituality generated by the collective presence of every church body on Earth.

According to the Hartford Institute for Religion Research, there are roughly 350,000 religious congregations in the United States alone. There are an estimated 37 million churches in the world with 50,000 new ones added every year, and no two are the same. – Ref: www.christianswanttoknow.com. This does not take into account the number of different religions in the world, but they are to be figured into this scenario as well.

Acts 20:28 – “Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.”

Provided all of these spiritual entities exist in the truth of the Holy Spirit and are subjugated to the instruction of God through Jesus Christ, no man nor government can withstand such imperishable power. Some churches have struck out in their own in a spiritually brave and empowered attempt to stem the tide of evil we now face, but how much more effective any efforts would be if there were a coordinated determination from all churches in agreement to act on one common spiritual belief.

I Peter 1:22 – “Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:”

I John 4:12 – “No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

I John 4:16 – “And we have known and believed the love that god hath to us. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.”

Along with other scriptures stating this same straight forward directive and affirmation, there shouldn’t be any misinterpretation or missed communication of our first spiritual duty. After this is accepted by all churches and denominations, which should be a no-brainer, we will begin to see the power and force of our God work in a way that will crush Satan’s claim of eminent domain on our nation and those around the globe.

This might sound like a child’s dream, something that couldn’t possibly happen, but the scriptures say this is what we are supposed to do. There is a reason why we are supposed to do it. So why aren’t we doing it on the grand scale right now? The chaos will continue, on a grand scale, and it will end at it’s appointed time. In the end, the Churches of Christ must stand united in victory.

Mother’s Day

I wrote this poem many years ago when my mother was still here. Even though she’s with the Lord, I feel her spirit with me every day. Thank you, Mom, for the love and guidance you gave me while you were here. And thank you for introducing me to Christ, a gift I could never repay. Happy Mother’s Day

Taking Stock of Blessings

Morning begins as my eyes open through a series of slow blinks, while stretching my body into awkward positions preparing for the next move, getting out of bed. Still stretching while sitting up, my head feels disoriented and light. One last stretch as I stand slowly and gather my balance, my body seems healthy and my mind is becoming alert. The beginning of my day has been blessed.

Preparing to go about morning activities, my first act is to drink from my tumbler of water. My intake quota at day’s end will surpass recommendations of water consumption. Certain segments of society do not have access to an over abundance of clean drinking water. This blessing stays with me and I drink of it often.

Finished with the morning ritual, I turn my attention to personal interests. This time usually begins the eight, or more, hour work day. For me this time has been freed. Influenced by events derogatory in their inception, by spiritual design altered into the form of retirement. My humility is deep with this blessing.

After working through my personal affairs, I begin searching news and reading posts on the web. In this age, many people use computers and access the internet, yet many are not so technologically advantaged. Intrigued by its potential, this blessing of technology is indispensable to me.

Newsworthy articles pierce my spirit with anguish. Those who have sworn to protect are slaughtering someone who looks like me every day. Stepping out to run errands seems harmless, yet danger looms with every venture. Only God’s grace has shielded me thus far, the power of this blessing enfolds me.

Breaking the sorrow and mindset of anger, I focus on uplifting reports and glance through the posts of friends and family. Some bring a smile to my face, others a chuckle inside, their subjects natural and spontaneous. Posts of inspiration add substance to the feed, encouragement that shines through the darkness. The laughter and love from kindred souls are blessings too valuable to measure.

Winding down to end the day, entertainment watched on a large screen tv takes my mind away. Its picture rich with color and depth, and the sound fills the whole space around me. I could not have imagined while watching the black & white as a child, that my favorite past time would evolve into my own in-home theater. I love this blessing passionately.

Dinner does well to satisfy and comfort me, relaxed turns to drowse. My eyes begin missing parts of the show and my mind drifts away from the plot. Sleep lowers my eyelids slowly while peace gradually saturates my soul. Resting on a couch nourished, and slumbering in a bed free of worry and strife, is an amenity every human should possess. It is something we are all entitled to, for this blessing my gratitude has no end.

First Grace Community Day

Community: A community is a social unit of any size that shares common values.

“We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Each of us must rededicate yourself to serving the common good. We are a community. Our individual fates are linked; our futures intertwined; and if we act in that knowledge and in that spirit together, as the bible says: ‘We can move mountains.” – Jimmy Carter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AolOj2m0qCM

Solitude

[Spoken] – Nice area, secluded, away from the city.
(He bends slightly at the waste reaching toward the bench.)

[Thought] – Let me put you, (this pillow), right here, can’t sit on those hard flat surfaces anymore because of my hip, been hurting on and off all day. Lost a bit of cushion back there over the years too, won’t be sitting here long.

[Spoken] – (Grown) Here we go. (Ah) This will do.
(Deep Sigh)

[Spoken] – Finally off my feet.

[Thought] – It’s so peaceful here, no cars, no noise, no computers, no people in sight.
(Sigh)

[Thought] – It’s quiet with faint sounds of nature, soft breeze, seriously relaxing. My brain feels like it can breathe again.
(Deep Breath)

[Thought] – Refreshing spring night air, beautiful sunset of brilliant colors slowly fading the daylight away.

[Thought] – I should do this more often.
(Closing his eyes slowly as he lowers his head slightly.)

[Spoken] – Thank you, Dear God, for another day of life!!!